LORD, HELP!

wow, i'm just realizing how much i'm slacking on keeping up w/ my blogs. So this past weekend i went to the CFTX. It was an interesting experience to say the least. It wasn't as horrible as everyone made it out to be, but if it had been any longer, it would be a different situation. One thing that one of the guys said really hit me hard. He said, "We are in the business of killing. Everyone is; enemy or friendly." I've been trying to decide if i really want to contract and after that comment, i was really ready to head out. I don't want to kill anyone. I don't want to be in a war zone. If i could be guarenteed that i would never have to fight someone, then i would have no prob doing this. I can handle the physical training and all the bs that goes w/ the army. I can handle being cold, tire, and dirty, but having to kill someone is a totally different story. Do i base my whole decision off of that one point? Really the only reason i'm doing this is for the full tuition scholarship. Is this the same as killing for money? But can i desert my comrades? I know i've only been w/ them for one semester, but i would feel very awkward and guilty anytime i saw them, especially Flim.

I just don't know what i should do. I'm trying to let God lead me, but i'm having a hard time hearing/listening/understanding what He is telling me. I keep praying that if He doesn't want me to do this, then He wouldn't allow them to take me on due to my WPW, but after this weekend, i get the feeling that He will allow them to take me. Honestly, i don't think i'm meant to do this. I think that God will allow them to accept me and then i have to consciously make the decision to turn them down and walk away. Can i do that? Can i turn down the opportunity for no more money concerns about how in the world i'm going to continue to pay for Calvin, let alone any good university? Is this a test of my willingness to trust God no what the circumstances?

I need prayer and guidence desperately. I realize as i'm writing this that i'm not trusting God to take care of me and my finacial needs. I need to turn EVERYTHING over to Him and be at peace w/ my decision. And that is not going to be easy.

star of wonder...

Tonight was such a special night. I finally was able to work in the observatory since it was only somewhat cloudy. It was so nice. At first we had a hard time adjusting the focus, but once we got that fixed, it was a fairly smooth night. People actually stayed and talked, so it wasn't very awkward. Being able to look at the universe and how interesting and complex it is always reminds me of the glory of God. I looked at a pic where i was able to see the different shapes of the galaxies. I can't tell you enough how awesome it was.

I just recieved a NKJ study bible from my dad for x-mas. I love it so far. It goes so in depth that i really jsut can't wait to open it up and read it. That's really good for me because i feel lately that i haven't had much desire to delve into the bible. I pray that God will change my heart. First step is recognition, right? haha

First Post

I don't expect anyone to read these, but i know that i enjoy reading others' and learn what's going on in their life and how they view different events, so that will be my goal. Sorry to disappoint you right now, but i have nothing to say. Maybe later.